I missed my bus today so here I am at my local public library wasting my time in a more fashionable way than the way I waste my time at home. River life is dull and I'm sad to say I've grown accustomed to it. This does not mean I made the right choice in deciding to move here. I wish for so many things I once had ... like a life. I'm a straight chick in a gay community and it's not anywhere near resembling a Will and Grace lifestyle. Damn public transportation and the rain. Damn. Damn. Damn. I want to go home but once I get there, I want to be somewhere else. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just sick and tired of being all of the above.
Until I miss my bus next time ...
I'm at my Dad's house and there's a book on the floor called "ABC Of Poultry Raising; The Complete Guide For The Beginner Or Expert". Interesting, no?
My life is nothing like it used to be.
I have a home in Monte Rio which just happens to be the homeless capitol of Sonoma County. The sun doesn't shine through the tall trees that surround my house. It's cold all the time. We have a pet suirrel named Squeek-Toy who never shuts up. Tweakers live under the bridge up the road. My bus driver's name is Nancy. I spend my weekends in Guernville at gay bars ... or just bars because there is no such thing as a straight bar in Guernville.
Someone keeps telling me I can be whoever I want to be. What if who I am and who I want to be are two entirelt different people?
I always pretend you do.
So I ended up at the Russian River after all. I open my front door and I'm on the river. Not too shabby, huh?
I always pretend you are.
My little studio shares a deck with a much larger home. This is where Jan and Tony live. I dig Jan. I'm really diggin' Tony. Yeah ... mad crush developing.
I don't have a car and I have a 45 minute commute to my new job. Today I'm exploring public transportation. I'm trying to be happy about that.
I'm just trying to be happy.
I always pretend you do.
Somebody come visit me.
I dread going to sleep tonight. I don't want tomorrow to start. I'm not ready to face actual responsibilities. I want to linger in careless behavior.
Tonight Adam and I had some drinks at the gay club up the street. It was quite a gay filled day.
"Gay Filled Day" ... choose your own way to be gay.
We hit the arcade at Suzies. I love Rocco. Adam loves Jenna. Jenna loves Rocco. Are they married to each other?
I visited Eric and Sandy tonight. I miss Sandy laughing at my dumb sarcasm. I miss Eric's unpredictable moods. They are the two most responsible people I associate with and I associate so well with irresponsibility.
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Nighty night. Naughty dreams. Pleasant tomorrow.
The Folsom Street Fair was fabulous. The men were like candy everywhere. Bondage in all its glory ... I only got freaked out like twice. My kitchen table i covered with a various assortment of condoms, lubes, a dental dam, a couple female condoms which look complicated. I bought a couple leather wrist cuffs. My Dad bought a utility kilt. My Dad is different. I lost him at one point. I bought a banana I was craving. I wander around with it in my hand asking people "Have you seen my Daddy?" so they would think I was poor little lost subbie. One man said he could tell I'm straight because I wa wearing too much clothes. I then put on my "straight but not narrow" button and stopped trying to mack on chicks. I have another button that says "A blow job is better than no job". Fabulous. I can answer any question in regards to STD's, gay porno site, S/M, substance abuse, and of course places where women can get their Dom training.
It was a great day. Now for the lube experimentation.
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Oh, here I am.
I participated in Stockton's annual Heart Walk today. I'm so very proud of myself and I give me extra praise for the fact that I did it with little over an hour sleep and a hangover. Take care of your heart so that you don't have the same fate as poor Christian Slater in Untamed Heart.
I have a job. That's all I'm saying about that.
Tomorrow I'm going to S.F. for the Folsom Street Fair. I'm afraid I will only be an observer for there's some bondage gear that just isn't meant for wandering the streets of San Fransisco.
I kissed a girl last night.
Yesterday I spent far too much time hoping this guy would go see a movie with me. Scenario: He's tired now but he'll call me when he gets home. Two hours go by and I call him. He's not feeling so great but he hopes to feel better after a shower and then he'll call me. Another two hours go by and I call him. His body is sore and his muscles ache but he will let me know how he feels after he lies down awhile. I did 2 loads of laundry before I call him. No answer. I leave a pleasant message. He still hasn't called.
I'm not needy. I just want a fucking answer. It's so frustrating being treated the way I had treated him for so long.
Now he's a lesser asshole and I'm a greater bitch. I threw on some high shine lip-gloss, went to a bar, and lured some dude home with me.
Perhaps I'm needy after all.
I'm torn between the directions my near future should go. I could stay here in Stockton, close to the people I already know and have grown to like. I could move to Chico where I would bond with a dear friend that knows me more than I know myself. I could move to the Russian River and live on the water but be forever dwelling in the shadow of my father for the sake of convenience. I could procrastinate a few more days.
Eric, are you home? Are you at Burning Man? You should invite me over.
I got fired today. I walked into my supervisor's office expecting the worst but also ready to welcome the greater relief that comes when expectations are low. Instead I walked away indifferent because the worst had happened.
I'm not liking myself right now.